


They Grew a Mouth and Called Me a Monster

by pencilguin



Series: You Found Me in so Many Places [2]
Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Mentions of Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 14:04:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17920220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pencilguin/pseuds/pencilguin
Summary: [spoilers for 2x05 and 2x06] Back home alive and safe, Hugh is trying to adjust to his old life and figure out what his new life is going to be like.





	They Grew a Mouth and Called Me a Monster

“You’re discharged,” Pollard had said with a smile. “You’re free to go home.”

Paul had beamed at him and then at her and then at him again. “Let’s take you home, honey,” he had said, and gently guided Hugh off the bed, with one hand on his shoulder and the other holding Hugh’s hand for the entire way back to their quarters.

Having Paul here was good. Great, really. It took some adjusting, and a few insecure words about needing some time and some space and of course, Paul had been understanding and kind and so, _so_ patient. He had taken a day off at first, to be there whenever Hugh might need him, in case another panic attack got a hold of him and he needed a tether, some reassurance that he was home and safe and back and whole, something to ground him back in the normal world. Even though close contact was still too much most of the time.

On the second day they spent the evening snuggled up on opposite ends of the small couch, not that far apart, but with enough room between them for Hugh to breathe. Paul told him about what he did that day at work, and hesitantly, after Hugh had encouraged him to, shared how his attempts at regrowing his forest were going. Hugh closed his eyes and listened to Paul’s voice, the hand gestures he couldn’t see still playing in his mind from how familiar they were. He wouldn’t be able to visit Paul’s forest for a while, at least. Forever, potentially. He had enjoyed their little dates in there, stealing Paul away from his work for an hour or so, kissing between the glowing branches and the dancing spores. His chest constricted. Memories more recent bled over the familiar images of safety and comfort. He shook his head and initiated a change of subject and Paul happily jumped onto it.

Unexpected touch still made him jump, and Paul made sure to avoid it, and most other people he interacted with caught on.

Captain Pike had spoken to him before he was discharged, informed him that Tyler was on board, and that he had received clear instructions to stay out of Hugh’s way. Hugh was free to move around on the ship as he pleased, and Pike had asked him to let him know if he felt ready and willing to resume his duties as a doctor; there would always be a place for him here if he wanted. Hugh had thanked him.

Sitting curled up on the couch alone one day, his mind wandered back down the paths of his memory. He loved Paul and was grateful for his company, but sometimes the mere presence of another person filled the room with a kind of white noise that made it impossible to let his brain do its work and process. He was receiving counseling, of course, and it was helping. But he knew there were some things that he would have to get through alone.

He had read the official report on the JahSepp and the incident that had resulted in Tilly’s abduction and ended with both of their return to the ship, and he had asked Burnham and Paul to tell him their own accounts. It was hard to come to terms with everything that had happened. Hugh wasn’t stupid; to some extent he had been aware of what they were doing since early on. But nine months was a long time. Thoughts of being buried alive and conscious and being eaten by worms came to mind. Dead matter wouldn’t feel any pain. They’re an important part of their ecosystem. They couldn’t know.

_To them, you’re the monster._

In hindsight, it haunted him; the damage he’d caused, so desperately clinging to life that he destroyed other life in his wake. He wondered if a part of Paul resented him for it. Sweet Paul, so devoted to all living beings. Of course the thought was ridiculous; he knew Paul well enough to know this. But he was still afraid to ask.

He tried to put everything in perspective. To look at the JahSepp and see them as decomposers who keep the natural order by completing the cycle of death and life, rather than swarms of all-consuming entities trying to pull the flesh from his bones. To look at the mycelial network and see the beauty and perfection that Paul saw, the harmonious ecosystem instead of a hostile hellscape of death and pain that he had survived in for almost a year. But the picture kept falling apart.

He already feared the next time they would jump, going back in there, even if only for a split second. What if they got stuck again? What if something happened to Paul? He had promised not to jump again, long ago, before Hugh’s death, and yet it had already been too late. And then he had broken the promise, because there had been no other way.

The scar was gone. Part of him for so long, he had forgotten what it was like not to have it there. Now it felt as if the story it was part of had faded away along with it. Resuming his duties as a doctor … His duties as a doctor had been what had gotten him killed. He tried to figure out if the gift of helping others still outweighed the pain and consequences it held for himself. What he would do, how he would react, how it would feel, if he saw Tyler again. He knew Tyler had not been at fault, not entirely, maybe; that he had been confused, that it wasn’t certain that it had actually been him in that moment at all. But it was hard to reconcile that with the harrowing memory of his grip on Hugh’s neck and the flash of pain followed by nothingness.

Hugh had never quite believed that second chances were real, yet the universe had thrown one at him anyway. Would he be ready to resume his work? Ever? Before dying, he never could have imagined giving it up, never had felt any desire to. The determination and the promise to himself had always been omnipresent. But now the scar had faded, and it was as if he had been absolved.

 _This is a new life for you_ , the universe was saying. _See what you want to do with it._

_What do I want?_

He didn’t have an answer to that question just yet. But maybe, with time, he would be able to figure it out.

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to niltia for beta reading!  
> And, of course, to everyone leaving comments on any of my works! I can't put in words how happy they make me and how uplifting and motivating they are!


End file.
